My Hair's Life Story

 When I was a child, my mom would do my hair in "the baby style", six to eight ponytails all over my head. They were secured at the base with those ties with the balls on the end, then twisted or braided, and secured at the end with a barrette matching in color. By the time I got to 5th grade, I hated it. All the other girls in my class wore a ponytail or pigtails; some even wore their hair loose and straight. They teased me a little about it, and I think that's where the term "the baby style" came from. I can't remember for sure, though.

In 6th grade, my mom came into some hard times and I moved in with my aunt and uncle in Atlanta. My aunt never did my hair, instead she sent me to the hairdresser every two weeks to get it washed, blow dried, and pressed. In the interim, I would put grease on it and pull it back into a ponytail. This was a turning point because for the rest of my adolescent and teen years, I wore my hair straight (or occasionally braided).

Fast forward to freshman year of college, Fall 2002...I was broke (of course) and there was only one girl in my dorm with a hot comb, but I couldn't afford to pay her anymore. Doing my own hair used to take me close to 8 hours and I didn't have time for it, so one of my dormmates put a Just For Me relaxer in my hair. I remember walking with her to the restroom to wash it out and another girls gasped "oooh Tina! You're getting a perm! I can't wait to see how it looks!" I think at that point, I was the only one I knew who didn't have a relaxer. When she washed it out and flat ironed it, I loved it. LOVED IT. I could wash, comb out, and style my hair in under 3 hours, I stopped carrying around an umbrella and shower cap, I could go swimming and not have to worry about "dealing" with my hair afterward, I got to cut my hair "short" for the first time in my whole life (a cute little bob around my chin)...I used to go around saying the two best decisions of my life were switching to tampons and getting a relaxer.

I think it was 2006-2007 when I really started to notice that women were "going natural". It wasn't a big deal to me at first, but as I began reading message boards and saw this debate escalate I felt angry and defensive. I was angry because I saw this debate as another reason for black people to divide themselves. I was defensive because of all the innuendos and straight-up accusations toward women who chose to continue relaxing their hair. Some women would boast about how they "appreciate God's natural gifts" which, to me, implies women who relax their hair don't appreciate God's natural gifts.

Let me step up on my soap box for a moment. I hate the term "natural". To me, the distinction should be on those who *have* a relaxer (not those who don't) and their hair is "relaxed". Those who do not have a relaxer are the norm so they just have hair.  You see, even with a relaxer, I still considered myself "natural". First, there's nothing "natural" about gluing someone else's hair to your scalp, or sewing/braiding someone else's hair into your own. Don't get me wrong, I have NO problem with weaves or braids AT ALL, I think many of them are gorgeous. But don't come up to me with a $200 weave and tell me I'm not natural because I relax my hair. Second, I've only worn makeup twice in my whole life, when I graduated from the 6th grade, and on my wedding day (mainly for picture purposes). Other than those two occasions, I don't wear any makeup. Do I go around claiming that women who wear makeup aren't natural? That they don't appreciate their God given natural beauty? NO! Because I don't pass judgment on large groups of women I don't even know. I believe women should rock whatever it is that makes them feel beautiful, confident, and empowered, whether it be makeup, relaxed hair, weaves, afros, hair dyes, nail art, whatever! I'm stepping off my soapbox now.

Other than the occasional "natural v. relaxed" debate, things were going great for me and my relaxed hair until I visited my brother in Wisconsin in August of 2010. I don't know what issues he was going through (I can pass judgment on him because he's my brother XD), but at the time he was growing out these awful dreads with bleached tips. I didn't like the style, but I did like the color, and since I had never had any color in my hair (aside from a temporary rinse that didn't show at all) I wanted to try the bleach. I know you're probably thinking "Bleach + Relaxer?!" Well, you would be absolutely right. But with my mom and brother egging me on, I didn't think about it. So I let my brother's girlfriend bleach my hair because she bleached hers and my brother's all the time. I don't want to embarrass her, but I do feel like I should point out that she is white and I got a false sense of security because the bleached worked for her, and even for my brother. 

A few months later

Well, it didn't work for me! My hair started falling out the first time I washed it when I got back home. Some strands of my hair where white blonde and would break off when I ran my fingers through it, but mostly it fell out when I washed it. When it was time for my relaxer, my hairdresser refused to do it, and told me I needed at least 4 inches of new growth. Eventually, I got enough new growth and she relaxed it, but to avoid overprocessing, she had leave about an inch unrelaxed, plus, when I bleached my hair I already had about an inch of new growth, so my hair was really jacked up. I drew this picture to give you an idea of my hair strands.

My hair strand in March of 2011

I'm not sure how long I wore my hair like that, less than a month I think. I don't remember when I got the relaxer, but I couldn't deal with the texture change, especially when I was starting to get more new growth at the root. The beached part was completely dry, brittle, lifeless, and would no longer curled with a flat iron. Frustrated one day, I walked-in to my aunt's hairdresser and asked her to cut it all off. At first she refused, and suggested that I dye the bleached part black. She could do some type of treatment and it would not break as much and would be easier to grow out. I started crying from frustration, and told her I just really wanted it to be gone. She made me sign a liability waiver and then she cut it all off and relaxed my new growth. This was March of 2011.

 

Let me just say, I LOVED my short hair. It was so easy to do. Sometimes I would spike it all over with some pomade and sometimes I'd curl it down, like in the pictures. I felt super sexy and I probably would have kept it like that, but I was getting married the next year and for some reason I wanted long hair for my wedding. So I grew it out again. It was almost shoulder length for my wedding in May of 2012.

Flat ironing to hide transition

The end of November 2012, I got my last relaxer. There was a combination of reasons why I decided to stop relaxing and I won't get into all of them, but none had to do with the relaxer itself, or me finally "appreciating my God given natural hair" or anything like that. I loved my relaxed hair and a part of me will always be "team relaxed". One big reason I stopped though was that I made a pact with a woman at church that I wouldn't get another touch up without telling her first, and she wouldn't get one without telling me first (we got our last relaxers around the same time). Also, I didn't mention before, but I have always struggled with what I thought was "dandruff" but was later diagnosed as mild scalp psoriasis. If I don't wash my hair at least once a week, my scalp will begin to develop these huge flakes and if I go too long, they will turn into scabs. As I get older, I think it's spreading, because I now I have a small patch of flaking and scabbing on the side of my neck (where no hair grows). This is the main reason I decided to stop relaxing; I think it was beginning to exacerbate my condition. And so began my "transitioning" period.

Curlformers

I used rollers called Curlfurmers often, and I also flat ironed my hair into a lot of curls in order to hide the transition.  Every week the woman from church and I would commiserate about our new growth and how we managed to tame it for the week. It was nice having someone to talk to about it, but as the months wore on, I started to get more and more frustrated. Again, the two textures really irked me. At the beginning of April, I started to get the itch to cut off all my hair again. I had long conversations with a girl in my grad school program who had recently cut the relaxer out of her hair (after transitioning for a year or so). She has the most adorable curls and she boasted how easy it was to maintain and she could wash and style her hair in under 20 minutes. It was very tempting, but I decided not to cut it. I had to give a huge presentation to my dissertation committee at the end of April and I didn't want to be bothered with my hair. For that presentation, I went to a hairdresser and she flat ironed my roots extremely straight as if I had just gotten a fresh relaxer.

Had to edit out stuff :)

After the presentation (I passed!), I was busy trying to finish up a project before my advisor left the country for the summer, so I wasn't focused on my hair, but after he left near the end of May, that itch to cut my hair came back. Only this time, it was fighting against the itch to start relaxing again (that idea started growing after I went to the hairdresser). On Tuesday, June 4th, 2013 I looked in the mirror and I told myself "something's going to change today". I was either going to get a relaxer, or I was going to get it cut. I decided to go with cut because if I didn't like it, I figured I could always relax it again, and I loved my short relaxed hair.

I went back to the same woman who cut my hair the last time because she did such a great job. This time, I guess she wasn't feeling well and didn't want to style it, so she simply cut it, washed it, and sent me on my way with a towel to wipe away the dripping water. When I got home, I put the towel over my head, rushed passed my husband into the bathroom, locked the door, and burst into tears.

Let me digress for a bit. I have never put much value into my hair, it was never that important to me. My mom, on the other hand, over values hair and she often calls it a woman's "crowning glory". She has extremely long, thick, gorgeous hair, and she spends hours caring for it, but I'm just not that invested it mine. I think my hair can be one of my best features, but I've always felt like I have so much more going for me, that I don't need my hair to define me. I feel that so long as the roots and scalp are preserved, hair will always grow back, so I was never afraid of hair damage from pressing it, relaxing it, and yes, even bleaching it. The worst that could happen is I'd have to cut my hair, big whoop. And if I did ever damage my hair permanently, then I'd just start wearing weaves. So I'm not one to cry over my hair when something goes wrong. I mean, I would cry in frustration when I couldn't manage it (specifically whenever it was different textures), but as far as damage goes, when my hair started falling out because of the bleach, it didn't faze me. Whenever I was overdue for a relaxer and my hair would start breaking off or shedding, it still didn't faze me.

Going back to the story, I was totally stunned with myself as I sat on the bathroom floor crying. I don't know why I was crying because I had already told myself if I didn't like it I could always get a relaxer. Even now, I'm still not sure why I was crying, I guess because it just looked so bad. It was very sloppily and unevenly cut, and it looked so dry and brittle. Finally, I let my husband into the bathroom and he did his best to cheer me up. That night, I couldn't sleep, so I got up around 3am and got on youtube searching for "big chop" and things like that. One of the first videos I came across was this one by MsVcharles. It turned my whole outlook around. She was so adorable and funny in that video, and when she got to the "Love your hair" tip, I started to cry again, but in a good way! The next tip, "love your TWA", got me inspired.  I started plotting my next course of action, writing a list of things to get from the beauty supply store, bookmarking styling tips. I was feeling excited.

The next morning when I returned from the beauty supply store, I followed another of her videos closely and it looked 100 times better. I was happy, but the cut was still bad, so that afternoon, my husband tapered it, evened it out the best he could, and gave me a nice shape up in the back. I restyled it and that's when I really started to like it. It's still a little uneven so I may go to a barber. Right now, I wash it with Cream of Nature shampoo (I've tried to wash with conditioner or "co-wash" in the past, but it doesn't work for me...I need something harsher that strips the oils because of my psoriasis) and then use Just for Me rinse out conditioner as I shower. I then use a Cream of Nature leave in and apply coconut oil. At first I was using gel after the coconut oil, but for the past few days I have been skipping it. I think I will try the Shea Moisture line as suggested by one of my friends when these products run out, but for now, this works for me. If you have any other suggested products, let me know.

After almost a week of conditioning and moisturizing, it's less dry and brittle, and starting to get softer and resembling my dad's texture. I can't keep my fingers out of my hair because every time I touch it or look in the mirror, I am reminded of him. He passed away in March of 2012, two months before my wedding, and when I scratch through my hair, I think about one of the last times I saw him. I reached up and scratch my fingers through his super soft curls and told him he needed a haircut.

I loved my relaxed hair and I won't say I'll never go back, but right now my hair makes me feel closer to my dad, so I know I'll be keeping my TWA (and later, my regular A) for a while.

*FYI, this will probably be the only post on this blog. There are so many "journey" blogs, I don't think the internet needs another one. My hair is not important enough to warrant an entire blog about it, but I did want to share my hair story...everyone else does when they cut off their relaxer, right?